Thursday, 10 October 2013

Breaking point... and inappropriate links that make me laugh

I don't know what is wrong with me at the moment, but I am slowly and surely losing it! Take today for example. I had promised Siena we'd go to the Library. She insisted on going there and then, and I thought why not. We therefore hurried to get out of the door, marching down the street at full speed. On my way I realised I had not closed the bathroom window. Fail #1. We then arrived at the library only to realise it's shut. As it is on every Thursday. Ah. Nevermind, nice slow stroll back home. While walking home, I decided we would pick up nappy bag from the house and continue walking to the shops as it was a beautiful sunny day.
 
At the supermarket, Siena suddenly looked at me with this little face she does when she's just realised that she needs the toilet... I told her to hang on as needed to get grab few bits and pay... Made it to the tills, and she's still holding on. Lady jumps in front of me as I'm getting to the till but couldn't face shouting at her so let it be and went to the next one. All this time Siena is looking at the books by the end of the till. At this point, I let myself daydream only to wake up only seconds later to find Siena no longer there... Now I'm generally a cool, relaxed, laid back mum. But I have to admit I immediately started thinking where is she? Did someone take her? Did she run out the front onto the busy carpark? She wasn't by the magazines, she wasn't in the toilets... all this time it was my turn to pay at the till, and I had Hugo in the pushchair by the till so kept running backwards and forwards. The ladies in the queue noticed I started to panic and had a look around for me. Then a sales assistant I had spoken to earlier arrived with Siena telling me all was well, she had seen Siena make a run towards the end of the shop and so she brought her back. A friend of mine was also in the queue with her family so she let the sales assistant know where i was. Then, I broke into tears. Right there. At the till. Even though all was fine. The poor girl working at the till tried reassuring me but was clearly uncomfortable, and, well, I was horrified for bursting into tears the way I did. The whole incident could not have lasted more than a few minutes, but I've been so tired the last few weeks... It all came out then. I managed to pull it back together and the rest of the day went on fine (apart from when I tripped over the potty, spilling all its contents onto the carpet...).
 
Didn't even manage a shower today...
 
Many people I have spoken to have told me not to worry, their parents lost them for 5 hours once on Holiday etc etc. I also know other people will judge me and consider me a bad mum. Then there's my mum who tells me the story of this woman who fell asleep and her kid died... I asked her why (why!?) would she tell me this, to which I got silence then a nervous laugh from her! She rarely thinks before she speaks... she truly is unique! ;))
 
I know it's just one bad day, but it feels like it's been like that pretty much every day for the last few weeks! Apart from the losing my child bit. That only happened today. I'll try not to make a habit of that one. However, I'm really eager to break away from this really, really frustrating phase!
 
As always, the best advice I received is from my little sister. She told me to give myself a break (and to eat cake. I do love cake). I have a toddler. And an 11 week baby. I have just suffered the loss of my godmother who was like a second mum to me. My grandparents aren't doing so great either hence the various trips between Bristol and County Durham. So really, I guess, I'm allowed to have a breakdown or two, as long as I then pick myself up and get on with it, non?
 
She also told me it could be worse. Some people have it worse than I...
 
 
Tim Minchin always brings a smile to my face. Following my sister's text I re-watched the above clip, and decided to focus on what makes me happy to cheer the hell up and move on from this phase. So here goes, a little list of what cheered me up today:

Conversation with Siena this morning:"I want to wear normal clothes. Not those, they are too modern (stripy nautical top and nautical themed/vintage looking dress). You only wear those for cooking and baking."
 
My sister always knows what to say... She's very good at striking a good balance between "get a grip" and "give yourself a break". She's so wise and always knows what to say.
 
My brother is also always there to remind me to ask for help whenever I need, as he is more than willing to help whenever I might need him to.
 
A friend of mine has been calling me on a regular basis since my pregnancy, just because. I love that. We don't see each other often enough, but I know I can always count on her and she seems to always know when I just need to speak to someone on the phone. And considering I'm absolutely hopeless at calling people, it's good to have one friend that is good at this!
 
I have also been receiving lovely texts from other lovely friends, just to check I'm ok. Again, this always helps. I am completely hopeless at asking for help, but knowing support is there is always a great help to me.
 
Today was a beautiful day. Sunny skies, that crisp feeling in the air reminding us that winter is on its way... these all cheered me up too. As well as flowers. I love having plants and flowers in the house! Today I picked Oriental White Lilies for the kitchen (in the a green vase, obviously).
 
 
My friend Laura also sent me some links to cheer me up today... The first one is of Flight of the Conchords. We were obsessed with them when we moved to Bristol together back in 2007, and they still put a big cheesy grin on my face when I listen to their songs!
 
 

The second link I understand has been going round lately, but still love the comments! Definitely have a read if you haven't already... the title "Do you dunk your penis?" is definitely... intriguing!
 
Have you had a bad day/week/month lately? If so, what cheers you up?
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*All images unless otherwise noted are my own, so please do not use them without my permission.*
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